Who would win in a fight?

Don't make me choose!


RSS FeedEpisode #87 How to make a podcast (An honest account)

Posted by Rick on 27 Apr 2017 17:04pm

Going out with a bang Rick and Paul reveal sensationally how to make a podcast and share their download figures. You couldn't make it up. A Thrill! I wonder if anyone actually reads these. Hmm, maybe we should offer a prize for the first person to email us to prove they did.

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RSS FeedEpisode #86 How to meet new people

Posted by Paul on 20 Apr 2017 11:04am

Meeting new people. Probably the trickiest thing to do as an adult that doesn't involve a carburettor. Sure, someone out there is cuddly enough to create Teddy Ruxpin, but Hitler was people too. See? Decidedly choppy waters to navigate. Relax though! Rick and Paul, social masters, are here to guide you through. Plug us in to your ears! A clean comedy podcast.

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RSS FeedEpisode #85 High School

Posted by Rick on 13 Apr 2017 11:04am

High School. Nobody really understands what it is for. Education? Punishment? A place to sit? It sounds American, but so do many things. We have schools everywhere but they're not like American High Schools. They're best avoided. But wait, that won't work either. We'll all be mindless simpletons playing computer games all day. No, better idea, listen to the podcast and hear a couple of suggestions about making the whole experience better. A comedy podcast.

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RSS FeedEpisode #84 Zoos

Posted by Paul on 06 Apr 2017 11:04am

Zoos. Greek God of animal captivity. The cruel incarceration of subservient species, or a jolly fine day out? In the hands of the right people, zoos can surely be a cause for good but everyone remembers Jumanji. Join Rick and Paul for a trip to the zoo, but we warn you, no petting. A clean comedy podcast.

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RSS FeedEpisode #83 Historical Baddies II

Posted by Rick on 30 Mar 2017 11:03am

Hold on! I smell a sequel. Already having trawled their minds for 82 other subjects, this show sees Rick and Paul return to Historical Baddies. Two. Historical Baddies too. Back in the Habit. Shying away from the more topical baddies of the day, come with us as we uncover the truth about Thomas Edison and the Great Train Robbery. I'm not saying the two are connected, BUT I'M NOT SAYING THEY ARE NOT. There, that should hook them in & keep them guessing. I wonder if anyone even reads these ... oh, is this still being dictated. Oh. A clean comedy podcast.

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RSS FeedEpisode #82 Computer Games

Posted by Paul on 23 Mar 2017 12:03pm

Computer games! Society's safety valve to keep the geek off the street. Whether you're a Space Invader or Duke Nukem himself, chances are you've probably wasted some valuable time moving around in what are essentially pretty spreadsheets. Who needs friends when you can get a little blue hedgehog to do anything you want. A clean comedy podcast.

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RSS FeedEpisode #81 How To Behave In Public

Posted by Rick on 16 Mar 2017 12:03pm

What would you consider to be the cutest animal?  Some of you would say a baby kangaroo, perhaps.  Some a spring lamb.  Marsupials may well rise to the top of the list, you say Koala, I say King Cobra but there is one, unifying factor typical of our species: most people would tend to agree that most people are awful.     We live in polemic times where there seems to be more talk of left and right than on a Sergeant Major-led march.  But that is pre-dated by the judgement we all pass on the pusher-inner in a queue.  The commuting nail-clipper.  The hugger.   We are not particular fans of judgemental folk.  Listen in as Rick & Paul pass  judgement on them.   A clean comedy podcast.

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RSS FeedEpisode #80 China

Posted by Paul on 09 Mar 2017 14:03pm

Lyrics. China in your hand. What on earth does that mean? China is huge, like really big. It will not fit in any single hand, let alone two. Best to just visit it instead so you can have both of your hands in China.  Paul has already done that, he has seen things, oh my goodness has he ever. A whole country in need of a fixing, and that is the subject of this weeks show.  Say Ni hao to Rick and Paul, and they will shrug back at you. They are British after all.

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RSS FeedEpisode #79 A Man's Night Out

Posted by Rick on 02 Mar 2017 12:03pm

You've had your annual bath, you've slicked your hair back. You've put on a shirt that once met an iron. You my friend, are ready to go out on the town! Or wait, perhaps you're wracked with nerves about dancing in public? What if you spill a drink on a tough guy on your way back from the overpriced bar? This night couldn't get any worse. Right, here's what you do. Go the bathroom, ignore the man with the perfume and bin bag. Get your headphones in and listen to Rick and Paul. They're only healing A Man's Night Out! That's you, yes, you! Oh you'll soon be free my friend.  You're welcome.

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RSS FeedEpisode #78 Voodoo

Posted by Paul on 23 Feb 2017 12:02pm

Voodoo. Juju. Hoodoo. And, for any cows out there, moo moo. Intrepid cultural explorers Rick and Paul embark to explore one of the least known, least understood religions in the world today. One has a degree in Anthropology, and Paul owns his own microphone. A clean comedy podcast.

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RSS FeedEpisode #77 Time Travel

Posted by Rick on 16 Feb 2017 17:02pm

What do we want? Time travel? When do we want it? Er...
Come and join the ride as Rick and Paul use their galactic intellects/Googling to explore the mysteries of space and time.
A safe for work comedy podcast.

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RSS FeedEpisode #76 The Media

Posted by Paul on 09 Feb 2017 12:02pm

The Media; a tricky thing to define.Once it meant newspapers. Then radio and newspapers.  Then TV and radio and newspapers. Now, every spotty teenager with an iPhone can, with some creative video work, get his views out to the world in its entirety.The 'me' in 'media' has never been so stated. When a Kim Kardashian comment on quantum physics will be read by more eyes than anything by a Nobel Prize winner in the field, Rick and Paul. Fields.

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RSS FeedEpisode #75 Spies

Posted by Rick on 02 Feb 2017 13:02pm

Shh. Spies. Spies Everywhere. Wikileaks! Snowden! Julian Assange! Right, that's got us on a few watchlists. Any publicity is good publicity and all that. Come and join Rick and Paul as they REVEAL THE LOCATION OF EVERY SPY ON EARTH* in this safe for work comedy podcast. * We don't* * Or do we?

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RSS FeedEpisode #74 Historical Baddies #1

Posted by Paul on 26 Jan 2017 18:01pm

Having not delved into the murky past for a while, Rick and Paul, with deliberate non-specificity, are here to heal baddies. Baddies #1 that is as we'll undoubtedly do this again. Appealing to that wicked part of human nature, baddies go down in history with far more adulation than your typical wet blankets. Remember Walter from the Beano? No? That's because Dennis the Menace ate him. Come and bring your ears for a trip through horrors past. Ooga booga.

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RSS FeedEpisode #73 Disney

Posted by Rick on 19 Jan 2017 12:01pm

Hi ho there. Once upon a time, two men, one with a head of generous proportions, ventured forth to heal multi-billion dollar corporation Disney for your aural delight. We toyed with adding a few song puns in, Bare Necessities of show descriptions past but puns annoy some folk. If you think you can do better, Be Our Guest. You're probably getting a bit irritated with the song puns, aren't you?  Why don't you just let it go..?

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RSS FeedEpisode #72 AI

Posted by Paul on 12 Jan 2017 12:01pm

AI. The robots are coming. In the week Japanese firm Fukoku have replaced office workers with IBM’s Watson technology, Artificial Intelligence powers its way into the new year one bionic stride at a time. This week we’ve replaced Paul with a robot. It sounds, looks and smells exactly like Paul but apparently feels no pain. Listen in as we test him out. A clean comedy podcast

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RSS FeedEpisode #71 2016

Posted by Rick on 05 Jan 2017 11:01am

The year 2016.George Michael, Muhammad Ali, Prince, Carrie Fisher are just some of the luminaries that have departed. Britain has cut itself off from Europe with a sharpened sirloin and Trump has assumed both power and a baseball cap.But, forgetting all that, it was the first full year of this podcast and it still exists, indeed iTunes still categorises us as "comedy", so we're both very grateful. Invite your ears to the party.There will be fireworks.

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RSS FeedEpisode #70 Parties II

Posted by Paul on 29 Dec 2016 17:34pm

Would you like to come to a party? You would? Oh we were not expecting that! We do not have enough sausage rolls. Then there are the games, the drinking, the noise the oh what is the point! Right, forget it, the party is off. Just listen to Rick and Paul instead, that is much cheaper and warmer in many ways.   Safe for work.

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RSS FeedEpisode #69 Pantomimes

Posted by Paul on 22 Dec 2016 18:17pm

Oh Pantomimes, what to say about such an unusual topic. Nobody understands them, if they say they do, they are telling you a fib. Here is how you make a Panto. Take one fairy tale. Take out the horrible bits. Insert some men dressed as women, some ugly sisters and a strange man-horse and you are done. Also, you can charge about 10 British Pounds a ticket. Quids in. Well they are stupid and Rick and Paul will fix it. Francesca Dimech guests this week, nice. She is behind you.   Safe for work, but not for anywhere else.

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RSS FeedEpisode #68 Advertising

Posted by Paul on 15 Dec 2016 18:47pm

Buy, buy, buy, N-Sync once sang. Were they concerned with someone leaving or eager to encourage people to buy dolls in their likeness? Definitely the latter. Yes advertising, everyone is at it and it probably does not work. While Rick is away Francesca Dimech guests on the now frankly iconic Rick and Paul Heal The World podcast.  Buy something, perhaps our Christmas song over at rickandpaul.bandcamp.com. Gosh, everyone really IS at it. 

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RSS FeedEpisode #67 Christmas Shopping II

Posted by Rick on 08 Dec 2016 12:12pm

Christmas Time, queuing in line. Don't know what to buy for your wife. Well just give up. It's not going to work, she'll never be happy, you'll never be happy. Let's just write this whole Christmas shopping list off and try again next year.   But hark? What's that? Yeah, you know, you there; you know. It's Rick and Paul come to save us all from shopping hell. I love those guys. It's safe for work. There's even mention of a spectacular Christmas song too. Oh I can't wait, it's just magical!

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RSS FeedEpisode #66 Christmas Songs

Posted by Paul on 01 Dec 2016 18:43pm

Here it is, Merry Christmas.   Slade, Wizzard and Yoko One.  They’ve all had a bash at the Christmas song.  Some more successfully than others.   But what makes a Christmas song?  Sure, liberal application of the word ‘Christmas’ helps, oh yes, and ‘snow’ of course.  And ‘jolly’.  Crikey; I think that might just be it.   I’m sure Rick & Paul find something to talk about in this, the first of this year’s holiday exploitative Christmas shows!   A Christmas comedy podcast (safe for work).

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RSS FeedEpisode #65 Books

Posted by Paul on 24 Nov 2016 18:57pm

‘If you only read the books that everyone else is reading, you can only think what everyone else is thinking’, wrote Haruki Murakami.  Good point Haruki.  It’s why, through our recent eccentric phase, we only read shampoo bottles.   Books eh?  Current world events would perhaps lead you to believe that we don’t read them, need them or believe them and, if we’re talking about the Giant Caterpiller we’d have to agree.  But it’s through books that our past is known.   So put your book down, nerd, shove us in your ears and listen to us talking about books.   A comedy podcast (SFW).

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RSS FeedEpisode #64 Thanksgiving

Posted by Paul on 17 Nov 2016 11:21am

Thanks, so freely given in civilised, British society, has its own National Holiday in America. To remind them. Pilgrims, cranberries and good, wholesome family time. I think we can all agree we've got a lot to be thankful for. The Turkeys less so. So tuck in, sit back, ignore the rest of your family and plug Rick and Paul's comedy podcast into your gravy-licked ears. Safe for work.

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RSS FeedEpisode #63 Fast Food

Posted by Paul on 10 Nov 2016 11:43am

America. A country torn in two. A nation torn asunder. A pair of nigh-on transatlantic institutions divide the country, pitting neighbour against neighbour, sibling against sibling and big Ronald against...some sort of animated King?McDonalds or Burger King? It really is Sophie's Choice. Forget Clinton versus Trump, we're talking fast food. Do KFC really have mutant chickens? How fast IS fast food and what exactly is a hamburgler? Find out in Rick and Paul's safe-for-work comedy podcast.

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RSS FeedEpisode #62 Bonfire Night

Posted by Rick on 03 Nov 2016 18:11pm

Remember remember the 5th of November.   It’s too good a rhyme; single-handedly responsible for us, four centuries on, celebrating the thwarting of something that, you can probably tell from the thwarting, never happened.   Menacing children wielding sharpened glowsticks in the dark, bulk-bought fire hazards illuminating the stay-indoors sky and burnt, acrid toffee sticking to the lining of your nasal passage.   Guy Fawkes; hat wearing irritant that he is, has at least given us another idea.   A comedy podcast.

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RSS FeedEpisode #61 Ghosts

Posted by Paul on 27 Oct 2016 11:10am

Halloween is nearly upon us, and, almost as traditional, Rick and Paul are here to exploit the festivities with a show all about goats.   Do you believe in them?  Ever look out into a field at night and just see a pair of yellow eyes staring back?  Ever tried their milk?   Oh, GHOSTS!  That makes more sense.  Casper, Slimer, Whoopi Goldberg and all that.   Listen to Rick and Paul discuss GHOSTS in this safe for work comedy podcast.

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RSS FeedEpisode #60 The 1980s

Posted by Rick on 20 Oct 2016 11:10am

The 1980s   The decade that gave us Back to the Future, Nintendo and the collapse of the Berlin Wall and with it, the Cold War.  Would we have traded it all though, for better fashion?   But no, NO, we’ll not cheapen ourselves with hair puns.  But what then, will the show entail?   Here to mullet over are Rick & Paul in their Safe for Work comedy podcast. 

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RSS FeedEpisode #59 American Presidents

Posted by Paul on 13 Oct 2016 10:10am

The President.  The leader of the free world.   The people both responsible for the safety of the global populous and quotes such as; “Trees kill more people that automobiles do,” “They misunderestimated me” and “Facts are stupid things”.   As Trump and Clinton serenade each other with hatred, bile & internet memes, Rick and Paul delve in and question whether it was ever thus.   A safe for work comedy podcast.

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RSS FeedEpisode #58 Cowboys

Posted by Rick on 06 Oct 2016 17:10pm

Howdi there pardners…     Like the dinosaurs, cowboys have been mythologised by television, died out way too early and, if you subscribe to some rlgs views, they never actually existed at all.   But are they all  as they seem?  For every John Wayne there’s a Marion Morrison.  For every Clint Eastwood there’s a Rhinestone Cowboy  and for every Jesse James there’s a Cher.   Saddle up partners, and ride into the safe for work comedy sunset.

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RSS FeedEpisode #57 The Rainforest

Posted by Paul on 29 Sep 2016 17:09pm

The rainforest. Home to curious animals, undiscovered tribes and a massive canopy that we wouldn’t even drink if you paid us.   Deforestation was the buzz ecological phrase of the Eighties yet it continues unabated.  Like tracksuits.  And Meatloaf.  What better way to deal with the problem of the scorched Earth of the Amazonian basin than on a comedy podcast from a sofa in the UK?   You’re welcome World.

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RSS FeedEpisode #56 Julius Caesar

Posted by Rick on 22 Sep 2016 17:09pm

‘Friends, Romans, Countrymen’ reads the most predictable of our show blurbs to date.  Lend us you ears.  For half an hour anyhow.   Behold Caesar.  Emperor of Rome.  Scrawniest of dogs.  Inventor of salads.  Rick and Paul, from the safety of two Millennia on, discuss the big man’s lust for battle, his hunger for fame and his much-rumoured epilepsy in a feature almost-entitled ‘The Caesar Seizures’.   A clean comedy podcast.

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RSS FeedEpisode #55 The Army

Posted by Paul on 15 Sep 2016 17:09pm

Where does William Wallace hide his armies? Just above his handies. Boom. That’s just one of the incredible jokes that haven’t even made the cut for the show. Armies eh? Goodies, baddies and the miserable, meeker folk who have to carry their flags. An unfortunate necessity and a beacon for the bravest, armies fight wars, topple governments and are drafted in when Godzilla comes flouncing about. Join Rick and Paul as they get closer to the armed forces then they ever thought possible. A clean comedy podcast.

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RSS FeedEpisode #54 The Circus

Posted by Rick on 08 Sep 2016 11:09am

Roll up! Roll up! The greatest show on earth! You'll be amazed by a flying Rick on a trapeze. Gasp in awe as Paul sticks his head in a lion's mouth.  This week Rick and Paul join the circus. Will they look beautiful in their leotards? Or more like Borat in his mankini.   The Circus is a terrifying place and it needs fixing quick. This episode is for everyone, even if you're terrified of clowns; Rick and Paul heal those too. They laugh in their face. They weren't expecting that.   A fine example of a British safe for work comedy podcast.

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RSS FeedEpisode #53 Dinosaurs

Posted by Paul on 01 Sep 2016 10:09am

Poor dinosaurs. They had their chance on the earth and blew it.  They had a pretty good innings though; dinosaurs were around for 65 million years, and us plucky humans barely scrape by with 200,000 years under our belts. But then we do have smartphones. Take that T-Rex, don't be such a dino-sore loser. This week Rick and Paul give Barney, Yoshi and Dino another shot and set about healing their world. Rick's armed with a tranquilizer dart and will do his very best to avoid Paul's head as they hunt down our reptilian ancestors. A comedy podcast..wait. There's something right behind you! ...clever girl.

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RSS FeedEpisode #52 Kids TV

Posted by Rick on 25 Aug 2016 11:08am

Oh the wonders of youth. My Little Pony, He-Man, Captain Planet and Teddy Ruxpin. The original A-Team lineup left a lot to be desired. If you look back on your youth with rose-tinted spectacles, for heaven's sake remove them. You weren't born in the 1960's were you?  Rick and Paul tell it like it is. The past is full of terrible kids shows, desperate kids presenters, with plastic smiles and and a lust for a better life. But the British duo aren't content with complaining, for this despair is an opportunity for change! They'll offer up ideas to fix all that's wrong and won't even charge you a penny for the priviledge.  Finally you can buy that G.I.Joe you've had your eye on for a while.  

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RSS FeedEpisode #51 Magic

Posted by Paul on 18 Aug 2016 10:08am

From David Blaine to the odd folk that think it’s ok hoodwinking children at parties, magic is one of those industries with a myth in the middle.  Like a pyramid scheme, perhaps.  Or Morm….   From a land rich with the magic of the druids, the Gandalfs and the Tommy Coopers, join Rick & Paul as they waggle their wands and jab them into your ears.   A safe for work comedy podcast

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RSS FeedEpisode #50 The Prohibition

Posted by Rick on 11 Aug 2016 17:08pm

Can you keep a secret? There's a new place in town where you can get liquored up and listen to two chaps chat about the scourge of the prohibition see. That's right, this week Rick and Paul have travelled back in time to dine and wine in 1920's America. To put right what once went so very wrong. Remember not being able to drink? Ugh, I have an anti-hangover just thinking about it. Come join us! There's wine, beer, it literally rains alcohol in here. Stick your tongue out, and ears for that matter, and have a jolly good listen/lick.   Rick and Paul, a British comedy podcast. Safe for Work, though probably not entirely safe for fans of the temperance movement.

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RSS FeedEpisode #49 The Olympics

Posted by Paul on 04 Aug 2016 10:08am

The Olympic Games.     The roar of the crowd, the pantheon of the greats and those funny laurel hats and flowers given to champion weight-lifters.  The Olympics is that grand occasion which legitimises adults spending their best years in lycra, striving for the ultimate in human achievement in imperative things like throwing a Frisbee a little bit further.   On your marks, get set, go listen to Rick and Paul’s clean comedy podcast. 

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RSS FeedEpisode #48 Aliens!

Posted by Rick on 28 Jul 2016 11:07am

Remember when, nobly sacrificing himself, Jar Jar Binks the Ewok piloted the Starship Enterprise into the fiery depths of Mount Doom?  ALF, his co-pilot, steadfast alongside him;  a furry hand on his thrice-capped knee.  Before them both a picture of their parents, Luke Skywalker and Buzz Lightyear, slowly burning on their…I want to say dashboard?   Aliens.  Star Wars, Star Trek and Alien Nation, these little monsters are more enmeshed in our culture than fictional beings should be.  But if the space that’s out there is infinite, we’re presented with infinite possibilities.  Not only should aliens be real, some should be proficient with the unicycle.   Besides, aliens MUST be real.  How else would Donald Trump be a thing?   Join Rick and Paul in their SFW comedy podcast

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RSS FeedEpisode #47 Romantic Comedies

Posted by Paul on 21 Jul 2016 17:07pm

A half-hour SFW comedy podcast.   A story that dates back to the cavemen.   Boy meets girl.  Girl is thoroughly underwhelmed.  Boy has mishap after mishap dumped on him.  Girl, through dramatic convention, must pity the boy.   And marry him.   The Rom-Com.  From Cary Grant to Hugh Grant , here’s a genre that allows the flourishing of men too weak for the action role.   Join Rick and Paul as they dispense their pellets of romantic wisdom gleaned from the Silver Screen.

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RSS FeedEpisode #46 Pirates!

Posted by Rick on 14 Jul 2016 11:07am

Pirates!   Glorifying criminality on the high seas, they’ve captured the hearts of history and the daughters of remote island governors.   The first men to wear earrings into a fight, pirates brandished parrots, staggered along planks and buried their treasure with buckets and spades.   These days, the only men you’ll see in bandanas want to tell your fortune, and Rick and Paul discuss where it all went wrong.   Why are they doing this?  Because they arrrrr.   Boom.   A clean comedy podcast.

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RSS FeedEpisode #45 Weddings

Posted by Paul on 07 Jul 2016 11:07am

Going to the chapel and we’re going to get ma-a-a-rried.  Lovely tune, but doesn’t entirely scan, does it?  Must do better, Dixie Cups.   Marriage.  Dependent on your viewpoint, it’s a celebration of two people shackled together for tax purposes or the intertwining of two kindred souls.  For tax purposes.  Speeches, Stag dos, hen don’ts, cake, guests, dances, the wedding is the type of party that can bring everyone together.   Rick is married (lucky lady), Paul is not (lucky ladies in general) so tune in to hear their ideas on how to make marriage a better place for all. For tax purposes.   A clean comedy podcast.

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RSS FeedEpisode #44 Vegetables

Posted by Rick on 30 Jun 2016 11:06am

In the week of Brexit, political turmoil and impending global catastrophe, Rick and Paul turn their attentions to the humble vegetable.   Probably not an enticing title for the new listener; so do spread the word.   So, lettuce begin.  No.  No! We’ll have none of that that.   We simply address whether they’re a good thing or not.  The good?  Providing the essential nutrients for our children to flourish and grow. The bad?  Some of those children flourish and grow into militised vegetarians.   Join Rick and Paul’s clean comedy podcast as they trail through the garden, flinging bits along the way.   Crikey.  No puns.  There’s a turnip for the books.

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RSS FeedEpisode #43 Everything III (Quickly)

Posted by Paul on 23 Jun 2016 11:06am

  'Haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate' American pop sensation Taylor Swift once so wisely uttered. You know what would have cured all that hate? A podcast. Not just any podcast, but the Rick and Paul Heal The World podcast. Taylor is quite probably a big a fan which leaves us to wonder why she didn't mention us in her ditty. More fool you Taylor!  This week Rick and Paul heal a variety of subjects faster than ever before. Consider it a healing buffet, where no subject is left untouched. Probably best to go first in that kind of buffet. That's what Taylor Swift does.   Shake it off, it's safe for work too.  

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RSS FeedEpisode #42 Superstition

Posted by Rick on 16 Jun 2016 18:06pm

“Very superstitious,” sang Stevie Wonder.  “Wash your face and hands,” he qualified, confusing superstition with basic personal hygiene.   But the big man is right.  Superstition is the thing.   Why do we think that saying bless you following a sneeze will KEEP THE DEVIL AT BAY?  Why is stepping on a crack in the pavement going to result in some sort of maternal spinal emergency?   Nonsense.  We know it’s nonsense, but still we keep at it just in case.   Join Rick and Paul in their safe for work comedy podcast.

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RSS FeedEpisode #41 Napoleon

Posted by Paul on 09 Jun 2016 18:06pm

“A picture is worth a thousand words” is a quote attributed to Napoleon.  Probably wouldn’t be a fan of the medium of podcasting then.  More of a cartoon flick-book fan.   No matter, mes amis, for YOU are here.   Two chaps hailing from the land of anti-Napoleon propaganda discuss his severe inch deficiency, his overrated seamanship and his silly little hat.   Vive le Rick et Paul!   A comedy podcast.

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RSS FeedEpisode #40 Being An Adult

Posted by Rick on 02 Jun 2016 11:06am

Just as they young bird takes a feathery tumble from the nest & innately knows he can fly, humans too arrogantly trust adulthood to instinct.   Look around you though; look right now.  NO-ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY ARE DOING.  You’re still reading this for example, when you should be looking around.  Adulthood is a con! A swizz!  An elaborate ruse to keep power out of the hands of babes.   Rick and Paul, as qualified as anyone, sit down and thrash out just how one can ‘be an adult’.   A (safe for work) comedy podcast.

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RSS FeedEpisode #39 Summer Holidays

Posted by Paul on 26 May 2016 10:05am

Temperature’s rising.  Summer’s coming.  The sun has got his hat on and he’s coming out to play.  Bit annoying that, we’ll all melt, but there’s no just no arguing with a stellar mass of nuclear energy.   The season of vacation is upon us.  Some will seek culture.  Some adventure.  Some cheap alcohol, competitive pricing and a sack of risqué fridge magnets.  The Wayne in Spain falls mainly on Lorraine.   Listen to the waves gently lapping at the shores.  Hear the distant screech of gulls orating their travels, and hark the gentle breeze lifting and sifting the velvet sands beneath you.  The block it all out by shoving Rick and Paul in your ears.   A comedy podcast (safe for work).

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RSS FeedEpisode #38 Fashion

Posted by Rick on 19 May 2016 17:05pm

Fashion   We are the goon squad and we’re coming to town, sang David Bowie.   An icon of musical, nay WORLD history.  Singing nonsense.  But that’s what fashion is.  Nonsense.   People rummaging through bins for food are one thing, people rummaging through bins for clothes are hipsters.  An expression of oneself or someone else’s expression of him/herself we’re all rushing to follow?  Ooh.  Zing.   Rick and Paul, staunch defenders of the denim based trouser and as few colours as possible discuss trends, fashionistas and Mbuti pygmies.  Bring your ears.   A SFW comedy podcast.

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RSS FeedEpisode #37 Secret Societies

Posted by Paul on 12 May 2016 11:05am

This week the chaps concern themselves with those who drift through society invisible and all-knowing. Freemasons. The Illumination.  Fans of French-Canadian singing sensation Celine Dion.   The internet continues to hoover up global knowledge, and empty itself all over lank-haired Dan-Brown-reading conspiracy theorists. The uninitiated. All the while, the ancient rights and rituals are observed.    They channel ancient power, dear listener. Secrets will be revealed.    Can you afford not to listen in?

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RSS FeedEpisode #36 Cooking

Posted by Rick on 05 May 2016 17:05pm

We live in the age of cookery.  Cooking paraphernalia has taken over the media.  Bake off!  Masterchef!  Kitchen Nightmares!   You can’t turn the channel without being bombarded by  George Foreman grills and Gordon Ramsay’s, and even they’re beginning to look alike.

No longer the sole domain of ladyfolk, Rick and Paul smash that gender inequality into a thousand…hundreds and thousands.   Looking for some hot stuff?  Pour Rick and Paul’s audio nibbles in your ears.

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RSS FeedEpisode #35 The Art Of Complaining

Posted by Paul on 28 Apr 2016 11:04am

“Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbours roof when your own doorstep is unclean,” offered Confucius.  A niche proverb big man, largely aimed at the Inuit market, but a proverb nevertheless.  And proverbs mean history.

The art of complaining has been around since the first dinosaur relieved itself against the wrong cave.  “Mustn’t grumble” was the war-time phrase espoused by our grandparents before they spawned generation upon generation of whiners, whingers and solicitors.  Rampant litigation has turned these complaints into legal rough and tumble.  The customer is always right, at least when it suits, and so it is that we live in a world where it pays to complain.

Listen in to Rick and Paul’s comedy podcast as they heal your wounds of misery, deflate your balloons of resentment and eclipse your moons of moaning.

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RSS FeedEpisode #34 Henry VIII

Posted by Rick on 21 Apr 2016 17:04pm

As the Queen turns 90, the duos’ attention turns to the Monarchy.  Henry VIII (or The Eighth, numeral haters), composer of hit double-confirmative single ‘I’m Henry VIII I am’ is one of history’s fullest figures.

In youth he was a man of prodigious appetite, religious fervour and shapely calves.  In old age he was simply a man of prodigious appetites.  Rick and Paul discuss his wives, his eating, his boar-hunting and just why did Whoopi Goldberg hate him so much.

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RSS FeedEpisode #33 Capitalism

Posted by Paul on 14 Apr 2016 11:04am

Scrooge McDuck, Mr. Moneybags and Donald Trump all, quite clearly, have one thing in common.  They’re cartoon characters.


Cartoon characters obsessed with money.


Capitalism has the planet caught in its Midas grip. Whilst we can’t eat, drink or romance it, chasing the filthy lucre dominates every breath.  Money, Money, Money…Money, Money sang Abba, before I wiped off the thumbprint.


Rick and Paul are here to fleece/heal you.  Send them your wallets as proof of your willingness to be healed.


A comedy podcast.

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RSS FeedEpisode #32 Modern Music

Posted by Rick on 07 Apr 2016 17:04pm

You’re at a gig.  You’ve paid a load of cash to hear your favourite band sing your favourite song.  The chorus comes up, you hold your breath in excitement knowing you’ll always remember this moment and they HOLD THE MICROPHONE TO THE CROWD SO THE PAYING PUNTERS CAN SING.

Could’ve done that at home.  For free.  You rotter.

Modern music is a con, a swizz.  When the present-day troubadours are not inventing words and meat-based dresses, they encourage violence through grunts and half-rhymes.  Forget the Mods vs. the Rockers.  We’ve got Kanye West vs. Taylor Swift.

Beliebers vs. Directioneers? Nonsense. WE’VE got a direction for your ears.

To Rick and Paul!  Yay!

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RSS FeedEpisode #31 Everything II (Quickly)

Posted by Paul on 31 Mar 2016 11:03am

Life is a journey, with so many problems and so little time to fix them all. Stop walking through life, it's all aboard the express train to Healington Central! Who's stoking the fire and peeping the whistle? It's only Rick and Paul, where once again they perform the impossible; They...heal...everything. Toot toot!

'They can't heal everything!' You cry. Hush now, you've got a first class seat on this train, and it's fuelled by the problems of this world. Hate chewing gum welded to the streets do you? What about the complexity of space travel? I bet you just hate a queue jumping senior citizen. Rick and Paul will solve all these problems and more in one single episode. You'll be left agog and aghast at the wonders that await you when you're safely delivered to your destination in a brand new fixed up world.

You're very welcome.

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RSS FeedEpisode #30 Easter

Posted by Rick on 24 Mar 2016 12:03pm

The holidays are coming!  The holidays are coming!  Wait…it’s Easter?  Forget it then.  About your business.

Easter, if we put the religious aspect to one side but for a moment, is the blandest of holidays.  Lacking the greedy warmth of Christmas or the pizazz of a New Year, Easter’s a time of bonnets, rabbits and indeterminate timing washing in a river of dribbled chocolate.

Well scrap that folks, Rick and Paul are here for you, holidaying in your ears and pouring in the fun.  However;  there will be no admittedly eggcellent puns.  There  shell be no cracking of silly yolks.

Those day, my friends, are ova.

A comedy podcast.

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RSS FeedEpisode #29 Everything (Quickly)

Posted by Paul on 17 Mar 2016 12:03pm

Forget the Rumble in the Jungle.  Forget the Thrilla in Manilla.  Rick and Paul bring you the feud-e-o in the studio.

The two chaps go head to head in a thirty-minute blast of speed-solving.  How do you stop bees flying into your summer drinks?  How do you cover all bases in your charity skydive?  Quick.  Make horse-riding easier.

Two titans of the British problem-solving community are at the top of their game (one of them writes, descriptively) in this special episode of Rick and Paul Heal the World.

Lend us your ears folks, we'll make them better.

A comedy podcast.

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RSS FeedEpisode #28 Job Interviews

Posted by Rick on 10 Mar 2016 12:03pm

Dead-end job getting you down?  Still not really sure what you want to be?  Feel like a mouldy bit of cheese rolling along in the rat race?

Hear our miracle solutions!

Finding suitable employment is a job in itself.  But forget the blood, sweat and tears.  It's Rick, Paul and your ears! How to answer questions like the pros! How to dress to the nines! How to sweep glaring inadequacies under the carpet!

And, if you're nervous about these things, just picture us in our undergarments.

No wait.  That's worse, isn't it?

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RSS FeedEpisode #27 Donald Trump

Posted by Paul on 03 Mar 2016 19:03pm

As our global ball rolls dangerously towards the corner pocket of total oblivion, Rick and Paul straighten their jackets and take their cue.

#NeverTrump and #MakeAmericaGreatAgain hashtags peekaboo through social media as only hashtags can and the world frets over precisely whose finger will hover above the button.  Well fear ye not.

Whilst others seek to scapegoat, punish and blame, we are here to remedy.  If multi-billionaire business man Donald Trump does jut his jaw and strap himself to the prow of Good Ship Republican, then we shall not throw our slings, arrows and foreign-made harpoons, nay! We will do what we can to ease his passage.

Come with us as we heal the Donald Trump campaign.  From afar.

A comedy podcast.

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RSS FeedEpisode #26 The Oscars

Posted by Rick on 25 Feb 2016 20:02pm

Awards season.  Hampers ahoy and lashings of publicity.

Scarlett Johansson, Madonna and Charlie Sheen.  That’s the SEO out of the way.

>With scandal surrounding the voting and representation behind all that glitz and razzmatazz, we ask the important questions.

Is Cher really Oscar worthy?  Do people still really love Sally Field and if Leonardo Di Caprio does finally bag an award, will the bear step out from behind the curtain?

Roll up.  Roll up.  The show of the year’s in town.  Shove it in your ears.

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RSS FeedEpisode #25 The Modern Gentleman

Posted by Paul on 18 Feb 2016 19:02pm

Ahoy hoy, ladies and gentlemen.

The Gentleman.  Not to be confused with the beardy, rat-nibbled hipster of today, he is a time-hewn model of Victorian pomp. Gilded of manners, silver of tongue and downright dodgy of imperialistic notion.  But where has it all gone?

Is it still polite to hold a door open?  Does one still call oneself ‘one’ and what precisely are your prospects?

Pop us in your ears my dear fellow or indeed lady, but for heaven’s sake, do it discreetly.

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RSS FeedEpisode #24 Conspiracy Theories

Posted by Rick on 11 Feb 2016 18:02pm

Is Paul McCartney really dead?  Who was behind that grassy knoll and what precisely is a Donald Trump?

Conspiracy theories abound; and crazy folk bound round them with their tongues hanging out.  Sure they wear foil helmets, live in bunkers and speak only in code but don’t forget that cover-ups exist too.  For every landing faked, there’s a Watergate.

The truth is out there, so shove it in your ears.

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RSS FeedEpisode #23 Driving

Posted by Paul on 04 Feb 2016 18:02pm

Get your motor running people, Rick and Paul are healing driving.

Gear up and strap yourselves in as the chaps deal with driving etiquette, parking and utter, abject terror.

A comedy podcast that'll wax your wheel trims, shammy your leather and blow fumes back up your exhaust.

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RSS FeedEpisode #22 American Independence

Posted by Rick on 28 Jan 2016 19:01pm

1776. The Declaration of Independence is signed, and the Americans wangle their freedom.

A nation lost. A nation without which the song ‘I want to be in America,’ would be nonsensical. And poor old Britain! A country of umbrellas, gravy and the humble pickled egg lets an eventual global superpower slip through its grime-stained fingers.

George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and Chuck Norris forever lost to our sovereign shores.

Oh, say! Can you see? You can’t? Well don’t worry. You can hear, and that’s where this comedy podcast comes in.

Any chance we can have you back?

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RSS FeedEpisode #21 Sleep

Posted by Paul on 21 Jan 2016 18:01pm

The modern world.  Lights. Cameras. Sanctions.  So many things to be distracted with.  So little time for sleep.

As we await the EU Referendum to downgrade forty winks to thirty, Rick and Paul ask how many sheep is it possible to count without your brain running out of space.  How is it possible to just turn one’s consciousness off?  Why do teddy bears help so much?

Sleep is for the weak.  You snooze, you lose.

The great Margaret Thatcher survived on four hours of it a night apparently, and she didn’t look haggard At ALL.

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RSS FeedEpisode #20 Art

Posted by Rick on 14 Jan 2016 16:01pm

What is art?

The expression of creative skill and imagination, art, fluffy liberals would have you believe, is what makes us human.

Do not be fooled.

Anyone can be an artist.  Painters, sure.  Sculptors.  But singers too.  Actors.  People that strap on crash helmets and strut about like frightened turkeys.  Performance, they say, is art.  But for every David Bowie, there’s a million Katie Prices.  For every Prince, there’s a hundred artists formerly known as paupers.  For every Andy Warhol, there’s a Dandy Warhol.

Did you make the bed this morning?  No.  Well, that’s ART, that is.

Beauty is in the eye of the Beerholder.  Wrap your ears around this comedy podcast and decide for yourself.

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RSS FeedEpisode #19 Exercise

Posted by Paul on 07 Jan 2016 0:00am

Want to get fit for the new year? Fed up with being fat for the old one? Well wrap your chunky ears around this, as muscle-bound Olympians Rick and Paul juggle the weighty topic of exercise.

Forget your fad diet, have a rad diet as this delightful duo discuss the latest techniques of exercise, aggression and protein shakes.

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RSS FeedEpisode #18 Parties

Posted by Rick on 31 Dec 2015 19:00pm

P - A - R - T - Why? Because other people tell us we have to. With New Year's drunkenly lifting our letter box and tell us how lovely we are, it's time to realise that the party season is upon us and it's time to jig with the masses.

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RSS FeedEpisode #17 Christmas Traditions

Posted by Paul on 24 Dec 2015 12:00pm

It's Christmas! We all share that memory of waiting for Santa to heave his bulging sack down the chimney. We remember leaving a trail of biscuits to tempt him, alcohol to befuddle him and mousetraps to finally finish the hirsute old trespasser off. There's no time of year more ready for tradition to be superimposed by two British chums of questionable sentimentality.

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RSS FeedEpisode #16 Star Wars (No Spoilers)

Posted by Rick on 17 Dec 2015 20:00pm

In a galaxy far, far away... The evil galactic Empire might well be causing you and your Jedi chums some bother, but don't worry, Rick and Paul have you covered. They're intergalactic podcasters for hire and you'll find them propping up the Cantina Bar on Tatooine.

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RSS FeedEpisode #15 Christmas Shopping

Posted by Paul on 10 Dec 2015 20:00pm

Ding Dong Merrily on High, our shopping bags are heaving.

Christmas pre-season is upon us.The time for snapping up bargains has long dwindled, and all the good stuff is at a premium. Except us of course. Us and our wagging tongues remain as free as the day is long.

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RSS FeedEpisode #14 Harry Potter

Posted by Rick on 03 Dec 2015 20:00pm

Sure, J.K. Rowling may be the first author to become a billionaire through her writing but at no point did she consult us. The silly sausage.

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RSS FeedEpisode #13 Winter

Posted by Paul on 26 Nov 2015 12:00pm

Winter is Coming.   In the violent, dragon-laden world of A Game of Thrones, it’s winter that’s the biggest threat of all.  Not the big swords, apparently.  Get a better coat, Jon Snow!   Blow winds and crack your cheeks, for humanity can’t cope.  Shivering our timbers, we remain at the mercy of the winds of fate.  Probably best to go home and curl up into a ball until Spring.  Well you can’t; the trains aren’t running because there are wet leaves on the track.    Winter is Coming, folks.   Snuggle up with Rick and Paul and together we’ll fight out the cold. Brrrrilliant.

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RSS FeedEpisode #12 Dating

Posted by Rick on 19 Nov 2015 20:00pm

All you need is love, once sang some misguided millionaires. All you need is a yacht. But we've not got yachts. We put our faith into drunken texts, skinny jeans and 'liking' absolutely everything that our target puts on Facebook.

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RSS FeedEpisode #11 Public Transport

Posted by Paul on 12 Nov 2015 12:00pm

All aboard this comedy podcast!

Is it a bird?

Is it a plane?


It's Rick and Paul who apparently care not a jot that a bird is not, and has never been, a form of public transport.

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RSS FeedEpisode #10 Language

Posted by Rick on 05 Nov 2015 20:00pm

'It's only words...', shut it Boyzone.

The Inuit have 500 words for snow. A lesser known fact, they have 700 superlatives for this very podcast. Cat got your tongue? Well allow us to kick that cat into the middle of next week and get you waggling once more. Putting the verb into verbose, the it into erudite and a whole calamity of letters into loquaciousness. Rick and Paul have healed language and that's worth shouting about. A comedy podcast.

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RSS FeedEpisode #9 Phobias

Posted by Paul on 29 Oct 2015 20:00pm

Scream! Howl! Wail uncontrollably as we plumb hitherto unimaginable depths of terror! In a funny way! Yay! It's phobias people, and we're ready to do bloody battle. Do YOU scoot at the toot of the clown car? Do YOUR knees knock with shock at the din of a dentist's drill? Scared of a little spider? Then grow up! Mind you. That Liam from One Direction is afraid of spoons, so you're in good company.

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RSS FeedEpisode #8 Education

Posted by Rick on 22 Oct 2015 20:00pm

Hello there children. We're here, in capacity oft-ungiven as your intellectual superiors, to teach your ears a lesson. School's out for Summer? Not on our watch. And it's Autumn, you foolish boy/girl/seasonally indifferent whippersnapper.

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RSS FeedEpisode #7 Restaurants

Posted by Paul on 15 Oct 2015 20:00pm

Food, glorious food. Whack on your dribble-bibs and tuck for some serious aural mastication. That's right chums; whilst we love to strap on that nosebag and chow down as much as you, we do so recoil at the threat of a restaurant experience. Why eat off plates when there's a rustic, rusting old tin to dip a knitting needle into? Why have a visible, all-encompassing price when it's so much more fun to make it up as you go along? From the small scale, salmonella-on-toast sandwich shacks to high-priced mini-plates drizzled with Gordon Ramsay's angry spittle, restaurants need healing.

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RSS FeedEpisode #6 Hair

Posted by Rick on 08 Oct 2015 20:00pm

It's the 21st century and yet still hair differs. Whether you're bald or as hirsute as a hair-suit, it's a world of sport-talking barbers, turkey-foil dye treatments and where celebrity hair stylists are actually a thing. From hairstyles to Harry Styles, Mother Nature's hat nemesis needs healing and we've plucked out some ideas. Just off the top of our heads.

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RSS FeedEpisode #5 Politics

Posted by Paul on 01 Oct 2015 20:00pm

It's the 21st century and yet still hair differs. Whether you're bald or as hirsute as a hair-suit, it's a world of sport-talking barbers, turkey-foil dye treatments and where celebrity hair stylists are actually a thing. From hairstyles to Harry Styles, Mother Nature's hat nemesis needs healing and we've plucked out some ideas. Just off the top of our heads.

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RSS FeedEpisode #4 Dogs

Posted by Rick on 24 Sep 2015 20:00pm

Man's best friend, the pavement's worst nightmare; dogs have had a free ride for far too long. We're the masters, these puppies are pets. So what if the best of your species can jump through hoops, rescue stranded mountaineers and herd sheep? We developed the jet engine. Get in your place pooch.

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RSS FeedEpisode #3 Camping

Posted by Paul on 17 Sep 2015 20:00pm

Camping is broken. Wolves on bears. Flying toilets. Let's put the great back into the great outdoors. Let's ramp up camping. Step into our sleeping bag and we'll warm you up. Because baby; it's cold outside.

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RSS FeedEpisode #2 Retail

Posted by Rick on 10 Sep 2015 18:00pm

Going shopping? Don't. Shops are rubbish. Carpets are a scam, self service tills expect you to do the work and where on earth is Dale Winton hiding?

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RSS FeedEpisode #1 Cinema

Posted by Paul on 03 Sep 2015 20:00pm

'The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing'. Well, here we are folks. Doing something. Doing something about cinema.

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